A farewell to grief - I DID IT

Hi darling,

I hope you are doing well. I know, I am supposed to write and finish the Art Aesthetics Part 2 Letter. But, I have to tell you about this momentous occasion in my life.

Grief and sadness, whatever the reason maybe, can and was a permanent part of my life for the past 2.5 years. It was like a smudged glass in front of my eyes., however beautiful life was, I could never truly experience it. It was always there, like the noise of a fan whirring, or like the smell of earth after it rains, or like a flaked off part of the wall.

Getting over heartbreak is a journey that often feels like an impossible battle, but with time and self-reflection, healing becomes a possibility. It feels like there is a storm inside which is uprooting yourself, but no one can experience it apart from you. It's absolutely okay to feel the pain , grieve the loss and take time for yourself. I have spent it crying and unable to scream every few days. Even in the most joyous moments, one part of me felt sad and unable to experience happiness.

This entire journey of the past 2.5 years changed me quite a bit - made me more robust to withstand life and its struggles, made me explore a hidden side of myself.

I have nothing but immense gratitude for my therapist, my doctor, my friends, social media memes and finally for myself. Slowly over time, I got better and better. And then one day, you meet someone and you spend a wonderful day, which it makes it seem like a pity that the sun has to set. And they fix you like magic, without them knowing about it. You possibly, cannot even thank them for what they have done for you.

“And at that moment, you feel freedom, joy, happiness.

I want to dance and scream and shout and cry and tell everyone, I did it.

I said goodbye to grief.”

I know heartbreak and grief will come for you. I cannot prevent it, how much I wish to. I hope you have everyone to support you. And then one day, I hope you heal too, like magic.

Yours ever so happily,

Dad

P.S - Always here to listen :)

Art Aesthetics - A few thoughts (Part 1)

Hi darling,

I hope you are doing well. I have been pretty busy at work lately, preoccupied with quite mundane laborious tasks. I am writing this on a Monday night because I really wanted to talk to you about this topic. My thoughts may be a little scattered, but I hope you will understand.

Today, in our times, we use the word “aesthetics” quite frequently, but we often do not know its true meaning. I do not know what forms of art and media will exist in your time. Even now, new VR headsets and AI in art are making a lot of noise. Maybe the way you consume media will be completely different. But, coming back to the topic at hand, the subject of aesthetics will remain even then (I hope).

Aesthetics is a branch of philosophy relating to the enjoyment or study of beauty

People forever have been scratching their heads over what is beautiful - in all that they create. Always asking the question - “Is it beautiful ? “, whether its a potter or a sculptor or a carpenter or a jeweller.

The branch of Aesthetics is quite a serious subject, if you are interested in heavy reading there are quite a few books, I haven’t read them myself yet. But, there are quite a few ways in which I think about it, in a semi-structured manner. Let’s call it Papa’s Theory of Aesthetics. :p

1. All art comprises of three parts

   • The creator (Single or multiple)

   • The object

   • The consumer

2. Let’s start with the creator. The creator, for multiple purposes creates an object of art under various circumstances. Let’s try to use some mathematical expression.

   Any object of art is a function of c (the creator) and s (the society, surroundings, circumstances) object = f(c, s_creator) The cave paintings, Michelangelo, Shakespeare, Balinese Gamelan, everything.

3. Now coming to the creator, we do not know how certain people are such geniuses in their respective fields. How they can wow so many people over millenia. That is something intrisinc along with lots of practice and effort. This constitutes the creator c.

4. This object which has been created is only beautiful when someone appreciates it. This may seem like a trivial point, but it is not. Art becomes art when someone appreciates it.

5. Now we come to the consumer, con . The consumer may look at the the object in another surrounding s_consumer. The consumer has their own set of likes and dislikes and choices, which constitute the consumer.

6. If the difference between s_creator and s_consumer is quite large, then it becomes difficult to appreciate the aesthetics of the object. For example, we do not fully know how Angkor Wat would have looked like back then, hence we may not full appreciate its beauty fully today.

This has set up the basis for my further enquiries into this topic. But, I am too sleepy to type right now and gather my thoughts. I will write to you soon about Part 2.

Yours as always,

Dad

P.S - Guess which is the best piece of art I have :p <3

But, what if you do.

Hello darling,

But, what if you do exist. Inspite of whatever circumstances and adversarial situations, what if you do exist someday. Would you grow up believing that I gave up on you ? That’s such a terrible thought, especially for someone so optimistic as me. Well, at least I was and I would like to believe I still am.

I think time adds layers onto everything. You leave an old piece of furniture and layers of dust rest on it. You leave a piece of earth and slowly layers of grass grow. You leave a person to time, they gather layers onto them. But, you remove the layers a bit and try to peek in and you find that old person again.

I might have changed, might have taken actions for the good, bad and ugly. But, I think I am somewhere still the same person I was and have been, in fact now even more so.

I want to tell you so much again and I have so much to share. But, today I will leave you with one video which inspired me the most from one of my most favourite icons.

There is hope and joy in living. Maybe, there is greatness inside us, but that is secondary. I just want to add to the above. You should give yourself space for self-doubt, maybe it’s okay to be lost for sometime. But I hope, eventually, with a little help from all your loved ones, you find hope and joy again. Just like Apu at the end of Apur Shongshar. I have found you again.

With hope for the both of us,
Dad

Goodbye, I do not think you will ever exist.

I think people make certain plans, but life has other plans. Life has changed my plans and has changed me. I think I am a different person now and hence I do not think you will ever exist.

Goodbye.

Hindustani Classical Music needs change

Hi darling,

I know I have not been able to write to you in quite some, so apologies for that. I feel the number of times I have apologised to you already, you must have understood that your old man has trouble keeping up with routine.

I was busier than usual with work, got a promotion at work. Pretty pleased with myself about that. My classes are going fine, I did box squats for the first time in my life. Maintaining a routine with regards to personal fitness has been very rewarding, it has led me to set new goals about my strength and stamina. My violin and sitar exams are coming up. Pretty excited for that too. Well, that’s a quick life update.

For the past few weeks, I have been watching and reading a lot about TM Krishna and he has inspired me to write this to you. I have been learning, playing the sitar and also questioning myself about a lot of things in Hindustani Classical Music for the past 2 years. He has given me the strength to question it even more. I am writing down a few points about the same. All of these points come from a love of the art form and my intense desire to see it grow and flourish. Also,

We cannot stop questioning our beliefs , value systems, culture and art. We cannot keep it insulated from free thought by putting up labels of heritage and tradition. Our questions must come from a good intention of heart and we must also be willing to change our beliefs if met with a satisfying response.

1. It is not the most complex thing in the world - All the practitioners of this art form think in some weird delusional way that their art is the most complex thing that humanity has ever attempted. It is not the case at all. Ofcourse, it is difficult and has its nuances, and takes years to master, but that can be said about quite a large number of professions. This central though has quite a few “side-effects” mentioned below.,

2. Riyaaz is present in all walks of life - Practicing an activity makes our neural pathways stronger and makes that activity easier over time. This is true almost universally for any activity from running to cooking to singing. Riyaaz is essentially that, and almost every profession has it, even though they may not glorify it always. Even a bricklayer who is out of practice will be slower and more inefficient over time.

3. It has to be more encouraging to learn - Does anybody who learns singing end up singing like Md Rafi, does anybody who learns playing the guitar play it like Jimmy Hendrix. Ofcourse not. But, that does not mean that we give up the enjoyment that music brings to us. The current pedagogy focuses too much on how difficult it is to practice this art form rather than making it welcoming to learn. If we discourage early adopters, it just inhibits the growth of the art form in the long run.

4. Stop looking down on other forms of music - I was recently watching a video of Ust. Shahid Parvez Khan where he talks about the influence of Md Rafi on his music. It was an absolute treat to watch. We have a come a long way from when classical musicians used to look down upon other art forms to this interview. There is no reason why people should look down on other art forms especially folk, when in fact a lot of the ragas are incorporated from common folk tunes.

5. You do not understand it phenomenon - It is quite strange that a lot of people and also artists give this explanation. People are not supposed to or expected to understand the technicalities of music, yet they can truly enjoy it. I am quite confused by this, since sometimes people say we need some sort of background knowledge to understand this music while others say we need to just feel it. But, whatever the case maybe, we should be open to why people do not like this type of music rather than demeaning them about their opinions.

6. The guru shishya process has major flaws - The most universally bad idea is to submit oneself unquestioningly to a person or an idea, then it becomes a dogma. The system of pedagogy should focus on creating an environment which is safe and encouraging for people to learn. Individual people may be good at heart, but that does not guarantee that the students who are powerless in this equation are well protected from exploitation.

7. My guru is great, hence I am great phenomenon - In true south asian style, the capability of an individual is often partially dependent on their ancestry, in this case music ancestry. Often people use the name of their guru as a brand name. Yes, it of course makes sense to dedicate your good performance to your guru. But, it does not make sense to say that my guru was so-and-so, hence already creating a bias towards your performance. That should only be based on your talent and capability.

8. We need more attention to lyrics - Lyrical development is quite lacking in traditional compositions. We need to bring out more compositions whose lyrics speak about our daily life and its struggles and also in a language that everyone understands.

9. Performances have to change - Hindustani music was patronised by kings and nobles with ample time on their hands, because they had 100 people to take care of their daily chores. It is quite elitist to expect that a regular working person in today’s day and age will have so much time on their hands to listen to a 2 hr recording. People who make time for it, that’s great, but we have to cater to the public demand as well.

10. I am related to Tansen phenomenon - Tansen might have been a great singer, and we should have respect for him. But, everyone is trying to attach their genealogy to Tansen is quite funny. I do not have anything to do with Tansen’s line and I could not care less.

These are some points which I have thought of in my head, they may change over time and maybe I will correct some of them or even add some more.

Spirit of Dissent - https://amzn.asia/d/eVTAEWH

Reshaping Art - https://amzn.asia/d/8RLkwgZ

Best,

Dad

P.S - Never stop questioning anything, except maybe your dad’s love.

Hinduism: A study in opposites

Hi darling,

I hope you like this new paper and writing style of mine. For me, it gives me much more customised options to write to you the way I want. It also looks better, I hope. I plan to make certain improvements as well on top of this, hopefully I can make them soon.

There has been some trouble at work for the past couple of days, which has been keeping me mentally stressed and flustered, but on the bright side I took up personal training at the gym. It has just been 10 days but it has already shown good results. In a future letter, I might expound on my thoughts about physical fitness and beauty, but for this one I have chosen a different topic.

I do not know when and how people start investigating, questioning or even believing in a supreme power, god or organised religion. I haven’t given much thought to this subject till now, but I feel there is some wisdom in the ancient texts, which we should critically examine. I have been enamoured with Buddhist philosophy and texts in the pasts and have felt that some of their points are quite applicable in our daily lives, while some of them are quite extreme. But just a week back, I started my investigation into the religion I was born into - Hinduism.

My first source is a brilliant book by Wendy Doninger - “On Hinduism”, which is a collection of essays on many facets of Hinduism.

My other source would be the excellent channel I came across which explains ancient Hindu texts in a very lucid manner. Such an intellectual giant, but with such capacity to explain.

My third source would obviously be all the customs, rituals and stories I have heard growing up. My current thought is that unlike other organised religions, it is such a fascinating tapestry of opposites woven together. Let me explain further

1. Monotheism vs Polytheism - Hinduism is primarily known as a polytheistic religion, with 33 crore gods, but even these gods have categories. The Vedas mention about Indra, Varun, Agni. But, in later texts we find mention of the Trimurti - Brahmna, Vishnu, Shiv. But, quite interestingly, in the Upanishads, which came slightly after the vedas, we find that God is one nirugana entity. This view of Advaita Vedanta was popularised by Swami Vivekananda.

2. Vegetarianism - Contrary to popular belief, majority of India is non-vegetarian, it is fascinating to note how in some parts of India, God is worshipped with meat offering, while this would be sheer madness in other parts. This applies to the consumption of meat too.

3. Heaven, Hell and Rebirth - A central idea of Hinduism is Karma and the idea of rebirth. But, in many places we find mention of Heaven and Hell. There are quite a few ways in which both of these co-exist in our texts.

4. Non-violence or Ahimsa - While ahmisa is praised in quite a few places, the necessity of violence also shows up in many of the subplots in our epics

5. Worldly pleasures - There are conflicting accounts on whether we should enjoy worldly pleasures ( though not in excess) or renounce everything and lead an ascetic life.

Combine all of the above, with the fact, that we have multiple layers of gods, multiple creation myths ( how we came to be in this universe), multiple afterlife versions, multiple versions of the same major epics Ramayana and Mahabharata, multiple ways to realise moksh or gain good karma and we get a truly fascinating tapestry of different beliefs all calling themselves Hinduism.

I hope you try to examine all of this critically. You might be very angry and some of the passages which are not at all women-centric and I would totally understand. Currently, in India there is a political movement to look at our religion as supreme and not in critical lenses, which is destroying the essential beauty of it.

Best,

Dad

A hard day's work

Hi darling,

I just visited Thailand, (Bangkok and Koh Samet), it is an absolutely fantastic place and you should visit it too. Maybe, I will write a post on how to plan a trip sometime later. This trip was a great break from work,  but I decided this letter should be about work life in general and also what I have learnt until now. 

My work life has been pretty good far, there have been minor ups and downs as for everyone. Here are a few of my thoughts so far. 

1. Having a great boss is of utmost importance and I am very lucky to have one. Your boss is your friend, philosopher, guider and guardian at work. There should be a lot of honesty, trust and empathy in the relationship, and it goes both ways. 

2. Good supportive team mates is next, if they are smart and helpful, that's great, but even if they are not so smart, I would take helpful team-mates over super-smart ones anyday. It is about pulling together as a team. Instead of letting everyone decide team culture, you should take initiative and try to form a positive, supporting culture yourself and hope that others follow soon.

3.  Doing work that makes you feel fulfilled is also important. But remember, in all jobs, there are things which you may not like to do, but would have to do. I just hope that this type of work is less for you.

    4.  Think very hard before changing jobs. Your dad is a bit impulsive in trying to change jobs, do not be that. There is a huge risk in the new job - boss, team-mates, work quality, money, everything.  They all might be better or worse. Make an informed decision before changing jobs.

    5. Always be "quietly vocal". What I mean by quietly vocal is, if you have done some good work or feel certain things are not right in the job, please speak out. Do not hide it away. Ask for the raise or promotion or extra work or less work. 

    6.It is about compromise. If a job pays you a lot of money but treats you poorly, would you be happy looking at your bank balance every other day ? Maybe you would, maybe you won't. These choices in your professional life would define quite a bit of your life in general, be very thoughtful about them.  

    7. Always get feedback. Always get feedback on what you can do better from everyone around you. Aim for continuous improvement. 

    8. Your life is more important than your work-life. This may sound very stupid, but we often forget that we have a life outside work. If you do not, try to make one and enjoy it to the fullest. 

Well, that's what I have learnt until now. I hope you do something in life which makes you happy and is very fulfilling.

Yours lovingly,

Dad

Art is beautiful. Artists may not be.

Hi darling,

One thought has been bothering me for quite sometime and I thought of sharing this with you. You may or may not agree to it, but I think my arguments below are quite strong ones. 

Art and the role of it in our lives has been discussed for through the centuries by many learned people. But, I think we can all agree that art has a huge impact on us, on our mental, emotional and social moorings. How it does that, is still quite a complex question, because modern neuroscience despite making giants leaps, still does not understand completely how the human brain functions. 

Good art impacts us and that's why it is so subjective, because what has impact on you may not have impact on me. It makes us think and feel. An emotional Disney movie might make us feel a lot, while a Orhan Pamuk novel might make us think about our relationships and society at large. These are two different outcomes of being "impacted" and often in great works of art, they make us do both. In Michelangelo's David, it makes us think about how is it possible to carve human flesh and skin onto hard stone, while concurrently making us feel amazed that a fellow human being could achieve this feat. 

All that was about art, but what about the artists. 

We tend to think that since, artists create beautiful things, they must be beautiful themselves. Nothing could be further from the truth.

The art that artists create might be beautiful, but they themselves might not be good people and this has been proved countless times by countless people. Ustad Ali Akbar Khan once said that if you love art, stay away from the artists. This is written in the book on Annapurna Devi, which I recently read and I hope you read it too. Art can help generate empathy and promote different perspectives and general understanding of what we call "the human condition", but whether we become better people is finally unto us. 

The same applies to art connoisseurs who think that if they listen to Raag Lalit in the morning and Beethoven's Moonlight Sonata at night and read Shakespeare and Tagore and watch Kiarostami on the weekends, they automatically become superior human beings.

You become a better human being when you treat yourself and the people around you with empathy and understanding. 

I think another great example of this is nature itself, the greatest creator of art. Nature has creates so many beautiful things like the butterfly below, but it can be ruthless so many times like floods, earthquakes, cyclones, volcanoes. 

Yours, 

Dad

P.S - Open your mind's window to all forms of art, but make sure that the room is well taken care of. 

Sense-of-self and loving others

Hi darling,

Happy New Year 2023. The past year has been quite an eventful one for me.  It was mostly a year for recovery and getting back on my feet, but also a year for growth. 2022 was a year of preparation for 2023 which should be even better. 2022 ended with a profound realisation which has given me a lot of clarity in my thinking. I am sure you will find it useful sometime in your life.

Your dad's life changed around September 2021 with an incident whose impact is such, that I still do not know how to bring it up to you. I hope in the future, I have the poise to explain what happened. 

We learn to love in our childhood. In our adult lives, we give love back to our partners the same way we saw it in our childhood, maybe in our parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles. The forms and modes of our attachment and our love language is created on our young impressionable minds. We express that when we grow older. For example, I picked up in my subconscious that making the other person laugh is a love language from my father, who used to make everyone laugh. 

But, there is one thing, we DO NOT learn. From childhood, we are certain of the fact, that the people we love, nobody loves them more than us. We know that OUR parents, OUR grandparents or maybe OUR favourite uncle or aunt, nobody loves them more than us. We take comfort in the fact that we love them the most. 

This does not work in the adult life and we have problems accepting the fact that someone else can love the person we love, MORE THAN US. 

We are never primed psychologically or emotionally to accept the fact that someone else can love the person we love, MORE THAN US.

Our ego and by ego, I mean the sense-of-self  (not the usual parlance of the word ego), comes in our way of accepting this hard fact. Our sense-of-self can accept a lot of things depending on our personality, maybe it accepts someone has a better job than us, someone earns more money, someone is more fit or good-looking, but accepting that our love "lost" to someone else is a very difficult pill to swallow. 

I am reminded of two simple, beautiful and profound lines by Tagore.

Aro preme, aro preme.

Mor ami dube jak neme 

It means, give me so much love that my sense of self vanishes. This "ami" which is I needs to vanish.  The core essence of Advaita Vedanta philosophy is to destroy this sense of self. I believe I have partially succeeded in doing so, I just wish I can do it further. 

Yours selflessly,

Dad

P.S - I hope you get peace and comfort when you are heartbroken and it feels like you are alone in this world. The picture is from Old Dubai, December 2022.

I did some tung-tang

Hi darling,

I hope you are doing well. This is more of a life-update and look-how-cool-your-dad-is post. I realised I have talked a lot about philosophy and lessons on life in general. I forgot, it was about me and you as well. 

I played for the Deepavali event at our academy, pictures below. It was a group performance, but quite satisfying  since this was my first time performing sitar on stage. I also recorded something in my home, the sarod theme from Piku. After I recorded it, I heard it a couple of times and understood the places where it could be better. Overall, quite a pleasant experience. I also purchased some recording setup equipments to create a home studio. So, hopefully better audio quality from next time. 

My thoughts about music are beginning to take shape, but maybe that's for a later blogpost. 

Yours musically,

Dad